Becoming a mother...again

Almost a month has gone by since my last post and that is because life has been BU-SY. I have approximately one month left before our sweet Ava enters our family as a precious newborn and I have been in a race to make sure everything is ready. I feel like she could be born tomorrow and I need to be ready! 


Washing laundry piles that go on forever, 


organizing two little people's clothes to make it all fit in one bedroom, 


rearranging furniture to make sure we have enough space to bring out all the baby items again, 


cleaning the cracks and crevices that probably won't get cleaned again for another year, 


training at work to make sure things are covered there while I'm on leave, 


and the list goes on and on and on. 


Thankfully, I can see progress so I'm not too stressed out. All this might stress someone else out but for me, a planner and organizer by nature, I am thriving on this. I've also been feeling fantastic so that's helped a lot too. I have been blessed with what I am pretty sure is the easiest pregnancy a person could ask for. I contribute it all to being more active this time around and really trying to stay as fit as possible. As a result, my muscles have stayed strong and my energy level has remained elevated (for the most part).


But as the time approaches to deliver this baby, I am starting to get a severe reality check. (Never mind the fact that I am starting to remember just what that means to DELIVER the baby...) I have spent the last 8 months in somewhat of a denial stage. Yes, I know we're having a baby. Yes, I know I am about to have 2 kids under 2. But, hey, that's all in the future and I don't have to worry about that just yet. That's the beauty of a 9 month pregnancy. 


Well, hello future, you have arrived. Or just about. 


And I'm starting to remember those early newborn days and I. am. getting. nervous. I remember being grateful when each stage was over with Jayden because things always got a little better, a little easier. And I didn't have to feel guilty about being grateful that a stage was over because I really feel like I took the time to enjoy them. I didn't rush, I held Jayden as much as I ever wanted, I was able to spend as much time with him as I wanted. So I never felt like I was missing out. But now I'm about to go through all those stages again. Yaaay. I hope I can love it as much as I did the first time around.


And then there's the fact that this time is about to be so much different. Yes, I know every baby is different but there are other things too.


And me and Mr. Different don't always get along so well. So therein doth my anxiety lie.


This time around, I won't necessarily be able to sit on the couch holding Ava all day long as I let her sleep and nurse whenever she wants to. I will also have a toddler vying for my attention and I want to continue to make the most of my time with him too. Difference #1.


This time around, I only have 4 short months to spend with my little girl before I have to actually take her somewhere outside of our home to be cared for so I can go back to work. Difference #2.


I will have to learn what kind of bottles Ava likes, what the best pumping schedule will be and decide when to start using a paci in order to avoid nipple confusion, because I won't be steps away to feed her myself whenever she's hungry or upset. Difference #3.


I will have twice the mommy guilt now that I am not only taking my son to daycare to be cared for by "strangers" but also my new baby who still seems way too young to be placed in an environment with strange sounds and smells and activity. Difference #4.


Those are just a few things that come to mind that I am always worrying about because I just don't know the right answers. If all I had to worry about was how is this baby going to be different from my first, I would be ok with that. I would try out the ol' tried and true techniques that may have worked for Jayden and that would at least give us a starting point. From there, well, we would just figure it out. But now I also have to figure out all those other things that I didn't have to do with Jayden and it just makes me a little sad. I feel so blessed to have had such a wonderful first year with Jayden.


Every mother, I think especially when you've already been through it at least one time, wants to do just as good if not better the next time around. And that is even more true for a recovering perfectionist like myself. I always thought that the beauty of becoming a mother again meant that you wouldn't have to learn all those things that were such a mystery before, i.e. bathing a baby, changing a diaper, washing diapers, helping baby sleep, etc. But as it becomes more of a reality that we're about to have another little human that is completely dependent on us, I realize it's just not that easy. Plus we still have little human #1 to take care of and he's still going through all new stages too.


I keep telling people who ask if we're done after this one, that if I survive #2 then we'll think about #3. But right now, I am just hoping for survival and really, more than just survival. I am hoping for happy healthy kids and parents who all enjoy living in this house together. And while that's easy to type, I know it takes much much more to actually make happen.

Now with all that being said, don't think that I am in a crying crumpled heap over here and am sitting here with knots of worry in my stomach. I'm very much a realist and know that I am not the first person to go through having a second child. Both my parents and my in laws did it for one thing and we all turned out really well, i.e. none of us are in jail or homeless. Also I know that God gave DJ and I this child as a gift and each one is a blessing and although blessings may feel like challenges sometimes, they also bring joy every single day. God is with us on this every step of the way and this child is His first. So I am keeping perspective. Don't worry. But I don't want to forget what was going through my head in the days right before Ava is born and this is the reality!